Emotionally Breaking Down

I spent most of last week feeling horrendous with my ketones sitting about +2 all week. I worked as hard as I could to stay out of hospital and was both anxious and excited about my 20w scan last Friday [4th March]. The scan went perfectly, nothing was wrong all the measurements were taken, they checked my placenta which is no longer covering my cervix and isn’t even low lying anymore [that means I can have another natural birth!] and it was very obviously a BOY on the screen! They put my EDD back by 1 day so I’m now “due” 18th July 2011!

After having to get showered, dressed and leave the house just to go to the scan [which was a necessity!] I started feeling more ill. I progressively felt sicker on Saturday as the day went on. By Sunday I’d had nothing since Saturday lunchtime… when the sickness hits, it hits. On Sunday afternoon I’m starting to worry… it’s Pandabear’s 2nd Birthday on Tuesday 8th and I do NOT want to be in hospital on her birthday. I check my ketones. +3. It’s not looking good. An hour later. +4. It’s time to go to hospital. I’m angry but I know it’s for the best, I know it’s best for little Noodle who has fought so hard this pregnancy.

I phone round to arrange care with family for Pandabear, she’s sorted… I made my way down to the hospital for my 6th admission, this pregnancy, in 21 weeks. Fortunately they hooked me up to the IV pretty quickly, a quick bag of Hartmanns will always make me feel better. As I’m now past 20w I no longer get stuck in the gynae ward for rehydration but go to the maternity ward. The bonus being there’s free TV, the downside is all the women going through labour at 3am really make it difficult to sleep! I felt really down the whole time I was there, it’s getting to me… the Hyperemesis is really getting to me. I keep having to reign myself in from thinking “Why Me?” all the time when I should be thinking “Why NOT me?”. It’s frustrating, it’s stealing the last time I have with my beautiful daughter, our alone time, it’s stealing my love of food [after spending my teenage years and beyond with Anorexia Nervosa for 14 years food is still a novelty to me but that’s a story for another day!], it’s stealing my sanity. I feel like I’m either stuck on the sofa [which now has an indent where my ass has been for 4 months!] watching rubbish daytime TV, or I’m in hospital hooked up to a drip. I almost wish I could do the IV thing myself, it would make my life so much nicer – I feel more alive and more human when I’m getting fluids into my arm. At this point I feel like my words are on longer expressing how I feel, I have recently started reading a blog about another sufferer of Hyperemesis Gravidarum and she has such a better way with words than I do so I’m going to quote part of her latest post here [PLEASE stop by her blog, it really is a great read]:

The emotional battle, though, I feel like I am losing.  Sometimes I think of myself in the past tense.  I used to love to travel.  I used to be an active and involved mom.  I used to love, love, love eating food.  I feel like I am forgetting the person I used to be and I wonder if I will remember how to be that person when this is all over.  It’s harder and harder to get out of bed.  It’s harder and harder to take a shower.  Friday, I just lay in bed filthy.  Mom is doing her best to encourage me and get me moving, but I know she’s frustrated.  Is there such a thing as pre-partum depression?

Let me be very clear.  HG causes depresssion, not the other way around.  No amount of fresh air, getting up and moving around, showering, or thinking positive will make this disease go away.

I don’t feel like a pregnant lady.  I think we HGers have more in common with cancer patients than pregnant women.  Granted, our illness isn’t terminal assuming we have proper medical support.  But with all the stuff we have to deal with: IVs, PICC lines, running out of veins, arms destroyed by needle sticks, central lines, TPN, NJ feeding, and just the intensity and length of the sickness.  It’s not fair.

~ Knocked up, Knocked over blog


I managed to get out yesterday [8th] for Pandabear’s birthday. I picked her up from nursery and because it was Shrove Tuesday I made pancakes for us when we came home before Daddy arrived and she was given her presents! Here she is playing in her new Hello Kitty tent with her Peppa Pig wearing her “new” [it’s 2nd hand really!] bumblebee Issybear nappy!! She loved it, kept pointing out the bumblebees!!


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2 Comments to “Emotionally Breaking Down”

  1. I love you, eve. Your strength is unbelievable. after all youve been through you really deserved an easy pregnancy. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

    • Thank you, right now I feel weaker than weak… I just want it all to be over, I want to be the one who has a pregnancy with no symptoms! I’m so tired, physically and emotionally I wonder how much more I can take, whether I can get through the next day, never mind the next month or months of this. ❤

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